No.27_Invisible Ink

his Is How I Want It_ I Am Humbled By The Difficulty_Measuring!

Who am I?
me, and How I offend
Get me away from myself, the need
disclosed, reordered disorder.
Bunching in the clearing with curved eyes.

Bold pretend of decisions left.
Run off the end of the track.
No orders to decide in here.
Reserve space to the dependents crime.
Open door to the main highway.

Wave front coming this way
on this days end. or
How it is ____
The will to rise to success in everything
To run through fields of satin lies.
carrying the truth __depends.

Whether the time left will
hold off the end
of nothing.
That would come
If noone was here.

Reaching back because I must seize_
_ the order of my frame and reference.
I am not operating in my presence.
I am wading loose in the vapors of some certain disorder.
a fugue of fiction and uncertainty.
Leaves little to retrieve.

Noone ever called me poetry man.
There is a certain freedom__
_ to being as I am.
I haven’t always known this, but all roads lead to Rome.
On this earth we live as man.
Dream of the beauty of the land beyond.
And cry ourselves to sleep as we plan.

Belief and structure come from building the world within.
God knows us to be empty vessels.
To what_ we subscribe_ has the choice of our ends.
In my world__The reaching has reached transcription.
Now I choose to wrote the writ that rings down.

I am far man and in this end
I am off the way of the usual path.
My leader is the song within, the legend of hope.
My script is neither wounded nor proud.
I am writing my version of worthy love.
Nothing is perfectly exact or new.

Belief comes in the practice of trial and error.
Oneday, I want to be remembered for the travel that I made.
I went where my origin took me.
I looked at the bare bones of what was left,
When I gave up everything.
The sky rained down.

It was then that I swept on through
the torment of loss and guilt.
I remembered love and honor.
I gave back_ to my surprise.
I won a new life__ for my mission patrol.

My script was raised up on my heart.
I felt the true nature of love.
How art thou to trust?
If one can-not trust oneself.

I am forging my faith_
On my practice_ to realize.
what gifts come off my hand
on the order of finding
_ the thread of this life within.

In conclusion, this one practice took place
_ on this night and I have no fear of reprise.
I am the means and the intent of my practice.
Within the reasoned decisions__
Ahead_ I am finding certainty.

Like anything, we take our time, and waite to be recognized.
Why waite_The only thing missing is you.
I encourage all supplicants__to the real love of the real God.
Grow your life on hope and practice.
Belief that every day has it’s end and it’s beginning.
But what is now_Is all there really Is.

Live for the hope that we are growing in our committment.
That we will know the strength to speak the truth.
Now I am silent.
What was said is now here.
I commit every word _
To learning the way_ to write
to the world on your behalf.

I am you.
And we are loved_
I am thinking_ true,
but one must choose
This ancient truth.
You?

TR_2007_

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Friday November 9, 2007
 I Am Here As Me – Posting – My New Chapter Four – Virginia

Just keeping it light. When I was back in Virginia, and that was a long time ago now, I was very much on another planet from my usual domain.
I am kind of like a lion living in a cave. I am wild and fierce, and I have the whole savannah to oversee and the pride is my charge, but when I am back in that other life_ I reach a nexus of everything I have given up. Today in the present is the serious life of carrying on with the tasks at hand, but when you go back, especially when it is to the time of your youth, when you were growing up all of the dreams and truths and lies, which are so evident and engraved on the stones and the trees and the floors and in the drawers of the past. Every door opens up to the suddenness of the broad successes and disappointments of the past and I would be the first to say that I am feeling a little distressed by the fact that I didn’t try to capture the great turn of
the trade that took place, when I was home.

When I was home, I got healed by my own acceptance of so much,that I was still carrying as a reason not to claim the beauty of what it is to be. My truth is my truth, and can anyone see what I see? You can see like me, but my attention is directed to points on the page that
I am being directed to recognize. My journey is my truth. Life is lived very close to the page.

And so we have little ol’ me going back to be the good son. It was designed to be this way. I have a mastery of certain illusions and I always make things like this into more than they might seem, because they are the real stuff of life. Familiar_ family holding the personal truths and changes as reasons to be_ together. I knew I would be here(in Virginia) in the fall. I was going to drive my parents up to Dad’s family reunion in Maine, but then the event was changed to Holyoke in western Massachusetts. All was still on go, until my
Aunt ‘P’ went into the coma(they had been with us the year before and had gone to Alaska on a cruise, and then my mom had the stoke, and my wife’s mom got cancer, but went on her trip to Alaska, anyway. It was a different kind of maturity we gained in this season of relative realities. I have to say, that modern tele-communications are a godsend and such a great aid to the support, one wants to be giving.

Dear Lord, our world was falling through a trapdoor, but then everything came into perspective. They got early support and help from the nearest children. We came in stages to move things along. I came at the optimal time for the skill set, that I have, which is probably pulling together all of the things that get glossed over. I am the oldest, but I am not the wisest as far as the business of the deals, but I have a very subtle way of working. I support the best ideas__ to give to the momentum__ of getting the job done. I do the finish and presentation_preparation, and we got their house up and ready for sale, and got it listed with their old friends at the realtor they worked for. A few years before, they would have sold it themselves, but there is just too much on Dad’s plate and Mom is very particular about, who she wants to sell it, too.

For the record, she just had a stroke and I hope she is only half as aware as she seems not to be. To lose her home is a very dire ending to all they have shared there. It is a crushing blow for Dad. He cried many times in the days that I was there, and he had been doing versions of this dance for almost two years. Mom has had two hip replacements and one knee replacement,in that time. Each surgery requiring the recovery cycle. Dad was burning the candle at both ends, just keeping up. Mom was on pain killers and doing physical therapy.I hope that she gets totally back to how she was before, but I know God has a plan, so I will no lose my hope and faith if things change.

So is this, a travel dialog? It is almost too unimaginigeable for me to try and get my sights around all that went down. I know you, who are really busy and have very busy lives__do this every day. One client/patient at a time. Not the right metaphor, but may I explain. I am hoping that those, who read this will know that I am not a writer of things they probably need to know, but I am a writer, who is learning to explain and understand the ways of his world and that is my truth.

I was a first responder to a family campaign. We were running for the election of the next best idea. What comes next?… and the obvious is never the whole deal. It is all of the details. So many issues and issuings from the body of the life that was being repackaged as a new and better path and amazingly enough, we, altogether, pulled it off and put together a solid path to the best position for our parents. We are a family, who has disparate parts. We, who are not very much there, as far as being really nearby. Close. How much have we done over the years?

My folks are an independant class. They were happy with our comings and goings. Eight children over twenty years and all that growing up. They had plenty to do, and they did it well. We are children of that independence. We stretch out across the country. All of us have our certain kind of success. The American dream is real. It just has to
be lived and believed. Mostly, I was long range supportive, and Christmas and summer solid. I got home every couple of years, but the
visits got further apart as my family grew, and we were so far away, but not that far. I have no regrets. I do, but I can’t go there. My method is to serve the plan that was laid.

Some of us even get back for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I did a time or two, but that is my fault as far as my life goes. I have always been gone, for the most part, but I have kept the kind of contact that has led me to be, who I have discovered is a pretty good guy and now that I am comng through, it is all good.

In other words I am winding down on this night. We are exercising the forces of nature that result from thinking about the path of a family. One in particular, that you know in a most personal way. I am writing out of the path that I have come to know. I am happy to be here.

And then I came on this ending that kept getting pushed along. Question is_ will I save it for what it might portend; In regards, to what I have been describing….What of myself, and others, who give more than they gain. I have always served the greater good or so I so humbly believed. I can only hope that, that, has been true. It was not always the case, but it is my nature to do for others__in the best and easiest way for them to receive my support. I don’t mean I am a great charity force. I just do for others, because I enjoy helping things along. We each have the need of a helping hand from time to time and
I don’t mean I won’t take pay to cover my expenses, but I rarely work
in the high profit slot.

The only explanation availible is that there were eight children, and
one, who had died, (who)have different claims. Have different issues with the past, and many reasons to see through to the end the best service for our parents, who are deserving of the best that we can give. They gave us so much. That it is not over-must not be foregotten. They are still here. It is just that their base will soon be gone and then this new life will have it’s way. How can I give them what it takes to make their way along the path of what lies ahead? I think they already know. You can’t take it with you.

Wrap. The truth is__ all things in balance…Life is good.I spoke to Mom and Pop, two days ago, and they were good, and Dad is swimming again, and Mom is recovering nicely, and doing her therapy, so life is solid and guarding faithfulness; By bringing my folks to a great place for their time ahead. Night,TR

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Sunday November 4, 2007
 I Think I’d Like To Love You_ I Know_ This Is Chapter Three

Funny the way things begin. You just have to give yourself over in the end to your best intentions. I know how to doubt or I can go back to hating my voice or my skin, but to that end, I am not searching out what isn’t real. I know where I have been.

Last time we looked__the plane had landed and I was well on the ground and mum and dad were in the airport racing to meet my plane at there flowing and glowing pace. It was a sight to see them. I mean we all have changed. I always think, they are younger, but they have aged in the most obvious ways and the subtle light of wisdom is all around and they are of such an effect, that I am profoundly moved by their presence.

Hey! Look at me. I am on the ground in Richmond, Virginia… In a mini van, with my 85 year old dad driving at breakneck speed through traffic and my mum, 83, who has just had a stroke the month before telling him how to arrive at our destination. We go by the old house first to pick up some things. They have moved into a retirement complex, which I remember__ for thinking…they would never live there, but the way of the life of their future has revealed a need for the services, not so easily accessed from where they were before. They had to put in an elevator(outside), when Mom had her hip and knee replacements over the last two years. They moved their bedroom to the first floor.

Tonight I am merely going to troddle along and gather up steam. I really don’t have a clue, as to where to begin. Arrival and travel to Seminary address, and then over the road to the new digs, which are really on the other side of the same neighborhood, which is one of those early twentieth century suburbs, which had electric trolley service, at one time, and now has, the same, gigantic old houses and wide avenues, and, am I explaining or describing the rich ways of another world.

I don’t know about going there. There was a time, when Richmond was a segregated city, and I was not of that time, but my family moved there, to Richmond, just after the beginning of the civil rights movement, and there was what was called white flight, and my dad purchased one of those big houses at a very good price and they lived there for 43 years. It was a great life and they had many good years there and I just cut out a bunch of things I said then about all of that, because I want to concentrate on this particular time.

I came back to Richmond__ to be there for them__ at this time of the unrevealed future. I feel the hopefulness, but I also know the loss of losing the presence of what it was to have that home. They were only a few weeks down__ into this new mode of living. They could still look at it as a mini vacation, but soon it was making them regret the move, but not my mom. She had a stroke in August the day after driving the return leg of their trip to the western part of the state to see my dad’s sister, who had fallen, and was in a coma. She has since recovered and is back home. That was a miracle, of sorts. They had wanted to pull the machines, but my cousin, her oldest, had said, No!

These are not real chapters, and this is not a true story. It is just me and my imaginary friends. I am merely a ledger and a page of diagrams describing my life through proofs of existence, and I need to recognize, that no matter how hard I try I can’t get back, those days. They were in some ways the greatest days of my life, present company accepted. I had never known, that I was to be with my folks with this much connection and need and hope and love. It was the perfect dimension of need and deeds. I worked my life off for them, and it was the greatest pleasure. I have never given so much to the dedication of what comes down as a belief in the possible__ divine beauty of service to works greater than our own guarded dedications.

I do have a way of trying to grasp just what it is that grabs me. This journey was important in so many ways. I came to be released from
my own false expectations of a life that never was. I was well into the writing of the life that I had already known would never be and now I suspend all dis-belief and complaint. I have peace on my heart, because what comes now_ is not from the pretending heart. The majesty of what is revealed by the unreviled heart is that we are accepting the greatest truth and motion of being wondered into the greatest command of our place and the holding of the page that was dedicated to you. I am all about coming to know the real you. I am here to be, and to be used for the service of the best that is in our world.

To read and to write on the ways of the true way that is here for the dedication of truth. The only way home I know. My metaphor of this life for this time was to take me home…quite literally to reveal the keeping of the page that held for me the start and the beginning and the ending of pain and fear, and that there was no longer any reason to waite for nothing to be revealed, and that the coming of my light was my reveal, and that the searching is over.

Practicing the presence of God’s installation into my consciousness. I had always held that distance and now I was just aware and knowing that even as I could not perfect myself…God was not leaving me, I was storing up time without the completed ring of the beauty of acceptance. My acceptance of the beauty of the presence of God. The revelation of the understanding. The faith in believing. On behalf of my unperfected understanding I stand dedicated to change. Losing the parts of existence that are not revealed. I am changing every day.
I have written a lot today and I must go to bed now. So I am going off-line. This is not a throughway or a thorough-faire reading of the changing life, but it is a beginning and not a pretend. I am certainly about the getting to the bigness of what is so real. Ahead_ is a life.
I am not afraid. I am dedicated to everything we are to do. Think…TR

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